Spice up bland organic foods with savory pesticides. Get these six great recipes and your family will be begging you.

Are you a chemophobe with an irrational fear of chemicals? Or are you a chemophile who craves the flavor of pesticides and preservatives in food?

Despite misinformation campaigns waged by chemophobic do-goody-goods, chemophiles know that pesticides have yummy smells and flavors that can enhance your dining experience. So why not embrace them instead of shunning them?

“Oh, No!” you say?  You may not know it, but many of our prized groceries owe their subtle tastes to the food scientist who skillfully blends the pesticide ingredients to create a balanced flavor in your food supply.

In order to maintain a wholesome diet, you may need to amend an all-organic foods diet with additional nutrients that can only be provided by pesticides. Luckily, the ready availability of pesticides in food makes them the ideal dinner combination to spice up organic food diets. Check your food labels. If the label says 100% organic, you may not be getting all the pesticide vitamins you need for a healthy, happy lifestyle.

We all become accustomed to certain flavors and aromas over time. Food tastes and smells lie at the core of our personalities because they are remembered in the hypothalamus, which regulates emotions and behaviors such as hunger and thirst.

Common table salt is probably the best example of a preservative that contributes to the taste and smell of foods. But salt doesn’t just taste good; it is essential for survival. We should dispel the notion that all chemicals are bad. Take the taste of corned beef hash – it would be bland indeed if it weren’t made with saltpeter, a chemical.

Think about it. Everything on earth is made of chemicals. Our future depends on having an abundant supply of safe chemicals in our food supply.

So next time you hear some flabby environmentalist poo-pooing the chemicals in our food supply, tell them that they should get a life and learn to appreciate salt and learn the value of chemicals and pesticides for enhancing food flavors.

You may not realize that moms prefer chemical additives in their orange juice. During processing, chemical flavor packets are added to the orange juice. Scientific studies confirm that this juice is preferred by moms over untreated OJ.

To understand the inherent preference for certain smells, we have only to look at look at children. Kids don’t have the hatred of chemicals that their parents hammered into them.

I can well remember standing behind our old jalopy, telling my mom that I thought the exhaust smelled good as she yanked me away by the collar. In those days, the only gasoline additive was tasteless, odorless lead, and this allowed the aromatic hydrocarbons to fully express their rich aroma. Also in those days, we hadn’t yet hit the bottom of the oil barrel where all the high-sulfur oil now comes from. Have you noticed that cars today smell like rotten eggs? Yes, those were truly the good old days.

When I lived on Okinawa we could also go to the PX and buy tall green cans of DDT made for the army. To us kids, these cans were fun toys to spray around the house, until my mom took them away from us. The ingredients were basically just raw DDT with a little freon propellant. Now I wouldn’t recommend DDT as a food but it just shows that our smell preferences are hammered into us by our moms – we are not born with this unnatural hatred of pesticides, that is the cause of so much misunderstanding in our world today.

And I fondly remember the fun of running through the piquant fog as the DDT trucks went by twice a day at Ishikawa Beach in Okinawa. The aroma was complex and it was probably enhanced by the mild stimulant effect of all the volatile petrochemicals used to make up the carriers and surfactants. And even though DDT has been banned, the fond memories still come rushing back every time the county spray trucks drive by.

Nowadays I get my kicks from those little flavor packets they put into meats. You know, the antioxidants BHA and BHT. They lend a musky flavor to fish and meats that is quite distinctive. After using them for a while, meat just isn’t as good without them.

In addition, the beauty of using pesticides as flavoring ingredients is that they are already in your food, and for this we owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to genetic engineering.

If you care about the flavor of your food, then maybe you should think more about how pesticides and preservatives contribute to the flavor and aroma of foods.

So don’t say “Oh, No!” to pesticides any more. Say “Oh, Boy!” to the taste of pesticide. Just imagine a future where pesticides are no longer restricted by our oversized bureaucracy of government regulators.

Try these great new pesticide food combos

• Tomatoes Tordon! – Tomato dishes from Italian pasta to Mexican salsa can benefit from this herbicidal condiment. You’ll be crying “More! More!”
• Phenoxylate Fudge - A new crop of phenoxylate herbicides has being genetically engineered into chocolate with an incredible taste sensation based on scientific flavor principles. And phenoxylates can also help prevent diarrhea.
  
• Chicken tamales smothered in Atrazine sauce – Atrazine, the wonder pesticide, is now available in rainbow colors. Your guests will be wondering, was it the sauce or was it the chicken?
• Woundup Nutmeg Nougats – These chewy morsels contain the sweetener ambidextrose that was sought after by the ancient Mayas. In addition to being a mild stimulant, ambidextrose is genetically engineered into the flour molecules so that they taste 10,000 times better than natural sugar, and in addition ambidextrose contains important cleansing ingredients that brighten and whiten your teeth!
• Rolled Latex Dormant Spray Meat Rub – Liven up food textures. Learn how the right bad things can help perk up your dinners.
• Death Burgers – one taste could be your last!  These make great dinners and lunches for the terminally ill, since they contain pure 2,4 -D in every bite!!!

These and other great pesticide recipes can be yours when you subscribe to Xenophile, the organization of the Pesticide Flavoring Industry.

You’d better hurry, too. Soon it will be too late.  Time is running out for those in the industry and these chemicals may not be around for future generations to savor.

- This article was written by a chemist. We want to help you control your food supply.